Miami: How the patriots broke my heart (but still won the super bowl)

WE’RE ON TO CINCINNATTI MIAMI

Mallory: One who is unlucky or unfortunate. No, really, that’s what my last name means, and I have the burned down house in New Zealand to prove it. And yet…my NFL team of choice was so divine, so perfect, it almost offset my entire life’s bad luck.

The year: 1993. Little Mitch, living in Utah with only network TV, sees pretty much only West Coast college football games. Little Mitch watches Drew Bledsoe at Washington State. Little Mitch loves Drew, for some odd reason. Little Mitch needs an NFL team, sees Drew got drafted by the Patriots, and loves the red white and blue color scheme. Little Mitch becomes a Patriots fan, possibly the only one in Utah.

And yeah, I’m dead serious, that’s how I became a fan. I was devasated when Bledsoe got injured in 2001 (stupid Mo Lewis) and hated this “no name Brady guy” until he led us to a Super Bowl (shoutout tuck rule snow game) at which point I became his biggest fan. Seriously, my family watched the 2001 AFC divisional snow game on a tiny black and white tv and I was near tears when Brady was stripped…only to cry tears of joy when it was overturned and Vinaiteri hit the field goal to win. Good memories.

NFL TICKETS ARE HIGHWAY ROBBERY

I’d never been to an NFL game and have always wanted to, and this year it was finally time…until I saw even the worst seats were like $300. Actually, before that, I looked at the Patriots schedule and saw the only warm weather game was in Miami (one of my favorite cities) and got all excited to go, only to see how expensive it was. But, rationalized I, this could be Brady’s last year! I can’t go my life without seeing the GOAT in the flesh! And so I was torn back and forth on spending my future child’s college fund or going to a 3-hour NFL game. In the end, I bought tickets from eBay and they were surprisingly not fake and a pretty good deal and I was committed to attending my first ever game.

THE FLIGHT… SUCKED

Immediately after purchasing the tickets to the game, I was faced with a Sophie’s Choice…nonstop flight at a bad time, or longer layover flight at a decent hour? My life is very hard.

We ended up doing a shorter flight time (nonstop) at a very lousy time, and honestly, it’s probably a wash as far as if it would have been better to do the longer connecting one and get in at a decent hour. We used JetBlue (thanks Amex for the points, as always) and flew from SLC to Fort Lauderdale direct. The thing that sucked? The flight left SLC at 10 something pm and arrived before 6am. Yuck.

The flight itself was uneventful and I have no complaints. It is pretty miserable landing anywhere at 6am, in my opinion, not having a hotel until midafternoon. Luckily, we got very very lucky, as follows:

WHERE WE STAYED

We booked a room on Priceline for one of the first times I can remember, mostly because we’d spent so much on game tickets that I wanted to cheap out for the rest of the trip. It assigned us the Extended Stay America Downtown Brickell hotel, which sounded good, but I was a bit scared by the reviews. The reviews were all over the place but to be honest, the only legitimate complaint I saw was that their “breakfast” is literally granola bars and a big vat of coffee. Not exactly the Ritz, but that didn’t bother me.

Once Priceline gave us this info, I called pretty much every couple days and inquired about early check-in. I got multiple answers but the gist of things was basically, show up and we’ll see. So as soon as we landed, I called and said we were on the way, could we get in early, and the answer was pretty much the same…show up and we’ll see. I was not feeling super optimistic.

Side note: I think our Uber was something like $40 to get from Fort Lauderdale to Brickell, so maybe take that into account if you’re trying to get to Miami.

Anyways, we showed up at the hotel and basically prayed the entire time that some miracle would happen so we could get into a room and sleep. Neither of us had slept on the plane and it was now something like 6:30am with check in not until 3pm…not ideal, to say the least. Plus, the hotel doesn’t have some massive cushy lobby, it’s small and loud and usually crowded. So…

I run off to go to the bathroom and get a text from Caitlin, the miracle worker. I have no idea how she did it, but she asked if there was an early check in and after a few minutes of a couple employees talking in the back room, we got in! Like, somehow we got early check in. I read online it was supposed to be something like $20, which I gladly would have paid, but they did it free. I will be forever grateful for those amazing people, they gave us a room that maybe had some water damage or something because there was a big fan going (helped me sleep to be honest) and they told us we could stay until noon, at which point to come back to the desk to try and get in our real room. Does that mean they had to go clean a room just for us for those 6 hours? I have no idea, but it was so amazing. That was some of the best sleep of my life, and waking up to 80 degree weather in Miami in December as opposed to 27 degrees in Utah? Life changing I tells ya.

GROCERIES AND THE PEOPLE MOVER

Our room had a fridge, which I think is every room there since it’s an extended stay. Now, our fridge barely worked, but after the hookup with the early room I couldn’t complain so we just kept things in the tiny freezer for a few hours at a time. The location is good, not in a rotzy part of town but not terrible, and it’s right next to a Walgreen’s, which has a few groceries, and a couple minutes walk from a Publix. I bought groceries, we wandered around to get our bearings, and we figured we might as well hit the city and see what there was to see. Another perk of the location is it’s really close to the people mover train, which is free and connects to a bunch of cool places, so off we went.

HAPPENING UPON ART BASEL MIAMI

Now I’m not going to pretend we found these hidden gems of Miami or anything, but it totally felt like it. As usual, we had no plans except “escape Utah snow” and “be beached whales on Miami Beach for 3 days straight,” so when Caitlin asked what I wanted to do that first night I had no idea. I thought a Miami Heat game might be cool but she had a strict one sporting event limit per trip so that was out. I figured we’d just wander around South Beach and do tourist stuff until my beautiful and brilliant wife stumbled upon…Miami’s Art Basel festival.

For having no plans, we got pretty lucky because the festival was dope. There were a bunch of streets blocked off and there was skateboarding, a graffiti competition, a bunch of cool art galleries, vendors galore (I got 2 free Monsters and 2 free Red Bulls, so my life was complete), a bunch of street food that was amazing, Red Bull had a huge rainbow bridge and a bunch of retro Pac Man arcade machines (naturally Pac Man chased Red Bull cans)…it was so bloody fun. And the best part? Not only was the festival free but…

Shameless self promotionI love you Lyft (and also Uber) and if you use this code on Lyft MITCH796650 you’ll get $20 off your first ride or on Uber: mitchm1041ue for free first ride. Self promotion over But Caitlin somehow found that Lyft was doing free rides to or from the festival up to $20 or something, so we got taken from our hotel across Miami to this dope festival for a $5 tip. Amazing! And on the way home, we used my account and got the same deal. We had AMAZING Korean BBQ brisket sandwiches and donuts with ice cream…yeah we gained 12 pounds but it was so worth it. The festival was insanely fun and it was just great to be amongst the diverse people of Miami. I don’t think I would go to Miami just for the festival, but if you happen to be there, it’s worth your time.

SUNDAY MORNING: THE MORNING OF TRUTH, OR, MY FIRST NFL GAME

Finally, after a moderately late night at the festival, Sunday came. I was legitimately excited (and a bit nervous) for my first NFL game. I was certain the Patriots would win (c’mon, the Dolphins?), but I was nervous to wear my retro Bledsoe jersey and Caitlin wear my sister’s (shoutout Al) Brady jersey. My fears were validated when we walked out of the hotel and immediately, I mean immediately, had a car drive by and yell GO FINS. But it was all good fun.

UBER IS EXPENSIVE

Per my modus operandi, I did a precursory Google search before we left on how to best get to Hard Rock Stadium, and, as usual, I just figured I’d figure it out when I needed to once we were there. I thought we would take public transport, but it was something like 1.5 hours+ and since we’d saved at least $40 the night before on rides, it seemed fair that we would pay whatever we had to to arrive in style.

Surprisingly, it was pretty difficult to get an Uber. It kept searching and assigning us and then it would fall through and we suddenly got a bit worried that we’d have to figure out another way but in time we did get a driver and he did show up and it was $55 for a 7 mile ride. Supply and demand, mate. We did an Uber shared where the driver picked up another guy along the way and he was rad, an orthopedic surgeon somewhere back east that had graduated from the U and was back in town to support his boys. He was insanely knowledgeable about the NFL and it was great to have a little friendly banter about the game and our teams…Naturally, I brought up the Patriot’s 5 Super Bowls and naturally he brought up the 1,975 scandals the team has been embroiled in. Good times.

PATRIOTS FANS TRAVEL! OR MAYBE JUST TO MIAMI

When we got to Hard Rock Stadium, I was floored to see so many Patriots jerseys. Like, half the crowd, and I’m not expanding. (Once we got inside it seemed like even more than half). I was expecting nonstop harassment and yet people were loving my Bledsoe jersey immediately. The lines to get in were total chaos and I was terrified that our tickets would be fake, but in the end all was well and we arrived to our seats right after the opening kickoff.

Our section had heaps of Patriots fans, as did every other section. The Pats have never been known as a traveling fanbase (like the Packers or Steelers), but considering it was a below-freezing ice storm weekend in Boston, it seems like lots of them got the same idea about a weekend escape to South Beach.

THE GAME

Our seats were actually pretty sweet, with a much better view then I was expecting. I am not going to recap the game, but suffice it to say we saw a bunch of sacks (represent BYU Van Noy!), a blocked punt, Brady with a very rare brain fart (allowed the first half clock to run out without getting a final chance at a field goal) and we saw Brady’s record-breaking touchdown throw to Julian which put him past Peyton Manning for all-time TD’s for playoffs plus regular season. It was so much fun, and I honestly think the crowd was way louder for the Pats. All was well. In fact, when the Pats kicked off with 7 seconds left in the game, Caitlin LITERALLY said, “We won!” And I LITERALLY said, not really believing it, “Don’t be too quick, anything can happen.” Now only did I think the game was over, so did the intoxicated Miami fans around us who started screaming extremely profane things about Brady, his family, the Patriots, and lots of other strange and unrelated things. People were heading for the exits. I was just glad it had been a good game, and extremely glad I had seen Brady in the flesh and that he led my boys to a division win. Until…

THE MIAMI MIRACLE

The kickoff was uneventful, and Miami got the ball with 2 seconds left. Suddenly, Caitlin asked me why Gronk was coming in and yes, he was, but I explained that Miami’s only chance was a Hail Mary and Gronk is big and good at knocking stuff down. Little did it dawn on me that noodle-arm Ryan Tannehill would be lucky to throw it 50 yards and Gronk is basically playing on one leg. I thought it would be a fun ending for Caitlin to see a desperation play because they never work. Until…lateral, lateral, lateral…Kenyon Drake touchdown. The crowd was insanely loud as Miami completed one of the most improbably plays in football and Gronk whiffed on the tackle. I could not believe it. I kept waiting to see a flag or a review or something, but nope, Kenyon Drake paraded around for a bit and then the teams left and it was over. Complete shock. And man, the language people directed at us as we left the stadium in shame? Brutal. But it was (mostly) all in good fun. Of course since the game, the Pats won the Super Bowl (#6) and I’ve mostly forgotten the sting, so whatever. Mostly.

BACK TO THE CITY

As usual, we had no plans on how to get back. I figured we’d do another Uber and we’d just deal with the cost. But as we were walking to the pickup area to schedule one, we saw buses heading for Miami Beach and South Beach for $20 each. The Uber was going to be more than that, and these buses were about to leave so we boarded a random one and figured we’d make it home eventually.

And a good choice it was. Yeah, it was a long trip back, but that’s to be expected when tens of thousands of people leave a place at the same time. The buses beat lots of the traffic, and as we were getting close to our stop, a guy behind us got a phone call fro a friend who drove to the game and said he was still in the parking lot and not even close to getting out. Sweet. We ended up getting off at Bayside Mall (it’s cool because it’s outdoors, and the next day was great because there were 2 old dudes shredding on guitars on the little stage and we had time to kill so it was fun, but other than that, it’s just a mall and nothing too special).

HOSTAGES AT T-MOBILE

If you’re reading this to try and get information about Miami you can skip, this is just a “only in Miami” story for posterity.

We walked across the street to T-Mobile to finally upgrade our iPhone 5 dinosaurs and got there just a few minutes before closing time…which was clearly posted on the door. Since it was Sunday, it closed earlier than any other day. It closed as we were in there finishing up, until…loud pounding on the door. Long story short, some oaftard said he NEEDED to get in and get a phone and he HAD to have it for his flight, and so forth…for 45 minutes! He got more and more upset and pounded harder and harder and luckily the T-Mobile employees were smart and didn’t unlock the door but the dude and his friends were so obnoxiously angry and we couldn’t leave. So we spent 45 minutes of our lives stuck in a Miami T-Mobile until the police came and escorted us out. Stupid people man…

SPARKY’S ROADSIDE BARBEQUE

Now just as aside, we had no other clothes for the day/night but our Patriots jerseys, so we got harassed all night long randomly. But It was actually fun and all good, people were just as shocked as we were and everyone wanted to talk about the game.

Whilst captive at T-Mobile, we asked for a good food place and Sparky’s came up and since it was so close, we were sold. And yes, it is totally worth doing.

First off, whoever controlled the music there was divine, as we heard Arctic Monkeys, Radiohead, The Strokes, and all sorts of delicious earcandy.

But the food? Oh man the food. Caitlin had fried catfish, and I don’t even like fish and it was bomb. The sides were phenomenal, she had sweet mashed potatoes and they changed my life. I’d never tried collard greens and they were meh, but eveeyrhing else ruled. I got a brisket sandwich which was awesome and yes, when we go back to Miami, we will go back to Sparky’s. The next day before we left, Caitlin wanted to go back but I wanted to try something new since Miami has a cool food scene. Unfortunately, my choice was bad and wrong.

ENDING THE TRIP WITH BAD THAI FOOD

We took the free people mover back, had great sleep, but unfortunately had to check out at 11am and didn’t fly out until 5 or 6pm. So we headed to the Brickell Mall and realized everything is so high-end that we lost money simply by entering into shops, so we decided to get some grub and a highly-rated Thai place called Bonding was nearby so off we went.

Caitlin loved the fish she got, so maybe don’t listen to me, but I asked the lady if the volcano chicken was spicy. It had chicken and sweet That chili sauce, which I love, but which can vary wildly in spiciness. So I asked and she said it was “not spicy at all,” which I believed. I should have believed the name “volcano chicken” over the waitress because it burned my mouth so badly that I couldn’t eat half of it. It would have been awesome if it didn’t hurt to eat. We did finish the meal with these delicious dessert wontons so I can’t complain too much, but I left hungrier than I came in and $65 poorer. I guess if you like super spicy stuff it’s gold for you.

THE LONGEST LYFT RIDE OF MY LIFE

Sadly, the trip was over. We stopped back by Bayside Mall to kill some time and listen to some old dudes shred and then it was time for the airport. I chose a Lyft shared ride and even though it said the arrival time at the airport was an hour later, I just figured that was because a car was far away. I’m dumb. The car arrived almost immediately but we had a looooooooong drive out to some faraway suburb to drop off some girl and the trip got longer and longer. Rush hour sucks and I guess I should have known it was a bad idea. Just like that, we were back at the airport…which has no Priority Pass lounges. I know I’m a spoiled diva now, but COME FREAKIN ON HOLLYWOOD FORT LAUDERDALE INTERNATIONAL! Get with the times. If Angkor Wat can have one, you can too. But whatever, the flight was long and boring and the weather in Utah sucked to come home to. The end.

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GEAR

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I kinda repeat this section on every blog post, but seriously, this is all stuff we have and use, nothing filler. Below are some of the items we took:

Caitlin’s Stupid Awesome Space Saver Day Pack Thing: I told her she had way too much junk when she bought this, but I digress: You win, Caitlin, and if you only read this blog you’d see me say this. Oh well. This bag was SUPER cheap, amazing to take on day trips, and folds up into practically nothing. Seriously, just do it now.

Amazon Prime: C’mon, it’s 2019. Get free 2-day shipping (which was necessary since we always found something we needed at the last minute) and lots of good music and TV/movies which make road trips more enjoyable. Try it free and you won’t be disappointed. Plus, pretty much everything below will ship to you free in 2 days in the USA.

AUKEY Powerbank External Portable Charger: This thing has saved us many times. It’s nice to have around the house, but it’s nicer to have during a long flight or a 12 hour day in London. It has 2 USB inputs and charges our iPhones really fast. It’s a bit bulky, but we get 2-3 charges from it each time. SO worth having.

Anker External Portable Charger: Yes, we take 2 portable chargers on our trip. This one isn’t as long-lasting, but it’s much smaller and lighter. It’s a bit annoying charging 2 every night, but really worth it to have charged phones the entire day.

My Bag: As I said above, we travel LIGHT. Especially with cheap airlines like Ryanair, where things are expensive, having a versatile bag is a must. This bag is not incredibly nice, but it has a lifetime warranty and it can cinch down to unbelievably small sizes. It’s made it through Thailand, Hong Kong, Cambodia, and Iceland with no problems yet.

Space Saver Bags: These have proved invaluable on our travels, particularly with Wow Air’s tiny baggage limit. It’s amazing how small clothing can shrink down to in one of these! Highly recommended.

Aux Cable: You probably already have a million of these. Our car had a USB that connected directly to the music, so we could charge our phones and blast tunes at the same time. The longer cable is nice so if someone is in the backseat they can still charge and control the music or navigate or browse Instagram or whatever)

MacBook Air: OK this is probably pushing it for necessities, but I do have to work on the road and it’s perfect to take with us. Small, lightweight, powerful, and mine has a pink cover for good measure.

PLACES WE STAYED

We usually rent the places we stay from Airbnb. If you use my Airbnb referral code, you will get $40 credit to spend towards your booking. We used Priceline but here’s the hotel and the fact they let us in at 6am made it amazing.

MISCELLANEOUS

Caitlin and I are on T-Mobile, which is awesome because we can text and use data for free. This meant navigation was all free (didn’t have to rent a GPS) and we could find attractions on the go, as well as me managing the business from afar without searching for Wi-Fi. So good!

If you don’t have TSA Global Entry, I highly recommend it. Not only do you get through TSA lines quickly and without removing shoes, belts, and liquids, but you also get to come back through customs much faster. It probably saved us at least 1-2 hours this trip. Once again, the credit card saves our lives.

One of the best travel tips I’ve ever had is to save clothes you’re going to throw away or donate and wear them on trips. Along the way, toss or donate them. Not only does it feel amazing having an empty pack on the way home, but on a strict airline like Ryanair, you’ll avoid heavy baggage fees. I ditched everything I took except what I wore home and it was awesome…except when Caitlin put her clothes into my bag without me knowing.